Motivation, where did you go?

March 8, 2022

I can’t believe the first 2 months of 2022 have already passed, and I have nothing to show for it cosplay-wise. I had thought I would’ve done a lot by now, but my motivation is still kind of lacking. I find myself shifting from project to project and not finishing anything. And I’ve been trying to think of why. Which leads to this rant, which is not exactly cosplay related, but I need to get this off my chest and this is my best outlet for that.

When the pandemic started, I had this feeling of urgency, that it would end again soon and we’d all be out in the real world. Then that just kept going and going for 2 years straight and somewhere in there, I started loosing hope, and with hope motivation. What’s the point of making nice clothes if you spend 99% of your time at home in sweatpants, and the small amount you do get out, you have to wear a mask? I couldn’t wear my hair down in public, ’cause it would get tangled with the mask and I would feel claustrophobic. I even had to relearn how to care for my hair, because I just kept it in a bun for two years straight.

When this year started, it was with promises of a brighter future. Pandemic was ending, restrictions were going away, life would be good again!

Except the pandemic kind of left us in a financial crisis. Again. And then now there’s also a war happening, and while I live far away in my safe little country of Denmark, it’s hard to not get worried reading about it, hearing it on the news, hearing about it from co-workers. Negative things all around.

As if that’s not enough, I’m getting poorer every day just by the world around me turning to shit. The older you get, the more you should earn and the more living should improve. At least, that’s how it was for our parents and that’s what I grew up expecting. But with every day that goes by, the money I work the same or harder to make are less and less worth. Our house is heated by gas, which has increased in price by 200% since last winter. It’s so expensive driving to work with the current gas prices that I almost feel like there’s a better reason now to stay home than during the pandemic.

And I have this constant, ever-present anger at the world. 2018-2019 were the best years of my life. I reached a goal of being on Blizzard’s stage, I bought a house, got engaged – my life was on track to be exactly what I dreamt it would be. Sure I had bad things going on, but I could solve them. Then all this shit started happening that I have absolutely NO control over. Like, at all, I can just sit back and watch the world crumble around me and I’m helpless to fix it. It’s so frustrating feeling that you’ve done everything right, and yet you’re just as screwed as everyone around you.

So, feeling this constant anger and helplessness with the world – it’s really hard to find joy in making foam swords and pretty dresses. It even feels frivolous to spend money on things like that when affording heat and transport is becoming harder every day. For 2 years, I kept hoping for a brighter outlook, but instead it just keeps getting darker and darker and frankly, I’m starting to think I should just invest in some candles and canned food and bunker down. 

Is anyone else feeling like this? I look at my friends who can still get excited about WoW expansions and Marvel movies and I wonder if I’m just the odd man out or if everyone feels like this inside, but are just better at hiding it and keeping themselves distracted.

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